THE CRICKETING WIZARD

This joke first appeared in One Short in issue 31 May 1999

This is the story of Wizden, the famous cricketing wizard with magical and frightening powers. Wizden’s main power was the ability to give people who played cricket wealth beyond their wildest dreams.In order to receive these treasures you had to find Wizden and tell him about your cricketing ability and the better you were the more money, gold and gemstones he gave you.

There was however one major problem, if you exaggerated your ability KERBOOM!

Wizden didn’t like it if you lied to him and he would cast a spell which would blast you into a thousand pieces.

One day last summer three members of Cogenhoe Cricket Club discovered Wizdens Castle and decided to try their luck. They knocked on the castle door and were invited in by Wizden’s maid who was a Goblin (but that’s a different story)and were shown to Wizden’s chamber.

The first person to enter was Terry Tarpley who had high hopes of raising money for the club’s new pavilion. He stepped up to greet Wizden and said "I think that for many years I have been a dedicated team player at Cogenhoe and I believe everyone considers me a reliable and valuable asset to the club." As soon as he had stopped talking there in front of him appeared a pile of 20 notes and several gold bars. "Well" thought Terry, this is an easy way to raise money for the club and so he once again approached Wizden and said , "I think that over the past thirty years I have helped team spirits at Cogenhoe with my wonderfully funny jokes." KERBOOM!

Terry was blasted into a thousand pieces.

Next to have a go was our esteemed captain Wayne Gardner, who said "I think that I am one of the best wicket keepers to have played at Cogenhoe for decades." Wayne closed his eyes and waited for his fate, but Wizden believed him and poured diamonds and rubys all around him until Wayne was nearly covered. Having a career in insurance Wayne was a naturally greedy person and thought that being wealthy beyond imagination wasn’t enough and so he thought he would have another go.

Up he stepped and said to Wizden,"I think that I’m the best captain that Cogenhoe Cricket Club has ever had," KERBOOM!

Wayne was blasted into a thousand pieces.

The next and final player to try his luck was Phil Whiteman who couldn’t believe his good fortune at having this chance of untold wealth and so up he stepped, full of confidence and after a deep breath said

"I think....KERBOOM!

Phil was blasted into a thousand pieces.

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